Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
