my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i out mim tonsoeep
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