I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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