I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
