I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
