Jerry, you need to find god
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
im on a boat
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