All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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