My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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