The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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