maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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