Capitaan dildo arrescate!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
