this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
