Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
