I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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