He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
