Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
