Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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