nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
