420 ftw
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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