I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
