he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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