i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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