This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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