Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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