apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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