Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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