I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
