Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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