I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
