i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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