i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
