You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
