I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
PANTIES FOUND
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
