I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
