Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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