I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
