I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
