I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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