Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
