Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
