Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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