I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Your cock deserves a montage
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
