I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
