I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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