Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
When did angry sex become our thing?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
