sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
