Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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