And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
