So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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