Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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