I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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