If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
