I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize