She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
this hospital has no fireball
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
