How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
