They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
