My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
