as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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